Where's my phone????

How attached are you to your cell phone?

At this point, I sometimes feel like my cell phone should be attached to me. I used to joke that my cell phone was “ my external brain drive” but I’m not sure I am joking anymore. How many phone numbers that you have received since you started using your cell phone, do you know by memory? Can you recall a specific birthday or when your next dentist appointment has been scheduled for without your cell phone? Never mind, I now use my cell phone as a wake up alarm, a weather guide, a calculator and sometimes a flashlight and much more. 

I am completely attached to my cell phone. I notice that I feel panicky when I can’t find it or I haven’t been able to check it for a little while. What exactly is that all about? Is it security, connection, needing the extra memory space or simply entertainment?

As I morph into this cell phone dependent person, I watch those around me negotiate their relationship with their phone. It is the increasingly few that are able to navigate clear boundaries between cell phone appropriate use and dependence. (and we haven’t even mentioned candy crush/ angry birds or the next popular challenge) Not only do we need to navigate the boundaries of our relationship with our cell phone but we also have to renegotiate the rules of the relationship with the people we are no longer connecting with because we are so enamored with or engulfed by our phones.

Sigh, I feel I must finish this blog segment, I need to check Facebook, Instagram, Email, Text message, Snapchat……..

Is there cell phone free time in your life?  Please tell me about it and how it works for you and those around you.

***Jean

Cellphone use and privacy with children

Jack has been in his room for hours with his cell phone. He is texting. Who is he texting? What is he texting? How can a parent monitor what their child is saying, doing or sending? 

How much privacy can you give your child with their cellphone? This is a complex question that relies on many variables.  How much privacy is acceptable in your family? Are you a family that shares many things openly and easily? How much do you trust your child to tell you what is happening in their life? Regardless of the answers to these questions, parents should have their child’s cellphone password as well as their email and Facebook account usernames and passwords. Whether and how often the parent feels they need to check these accounts will vary but the child should know that a check is possible and probable.

Adolescents may balk at their parents checking up on them or looking at their private conversations. I’m sure there have been plenty of kids that are horrified at the notion that their parents may see something private. Nevertheless, children as well as adolescents need to know that their parents are aware of what they are doing and that there may be consequences or at least questions to answer. In my opinion, this may be the difference between a kid pushing the send button immediately and the two seconds the child may take to question their comment, response, picture or post.

            It is also important to talk to your kids about appropriate cell phone use, pictures and language. It is important to set down some clear rules about what is fun and harmless and what is potentially harmful and inappropriate. Kids do not always have the foresight or experience to understand long-term consequences. In my experience, these potential consequences may have to be spelled out without too much exaggeration a few times before a child understands or integrates them.

***Jean

Cell phones and families: Boundaries in a high technology world

What is appropriate cell phone use at mealtime and what is not?

Different families have different boundaries and rules for using cell phones at mealtime. Many kids will want to continue their texts, check their emails, write emails or check their Facebook or Instagram during breakfast or dinner. Traditionally, mealtime has been a time for families to connect and relate to one another. It might be the only time in a day that the family members are together and doing the same thing, eating. This type of together time has increasingly diminished in North American families.

Cell phone use can definitely impede on the availability and connection that families need to maintain a close, informed and open relationship with one another. If one child is texting a friend, while another child is just trying to pass the next Candy Crush level, and someone else is busy photographing the meal for Instagram before anyone can tuck in, they are not really engaged with each other. Full focused attention to each other is a rarity and made even harder to achieve when you are waiting for a ping that indicates a message has been delivered to your “in” box.

Some children will take their lead from their parents. If it is ok, for the adult to receive calls, then the child may assume it is also ok for them to receive calls or do other things with their phones. Cell phones are a wonderful way for kids to connect with their peers. The phone becomes their lifeline to all that is happening around them. Therefore, many adolescents will try to push back on family rules by asking for a special allowance “just this one time” or insisting it is there right to use their phone when they want to use it. Well defined, consistent rules with distinct consequences that can be followed by all members of the family will be helpful in curbing the conflict around cell phone use at mealtimes.

Do you agree that there should be some cell phone free time within a day for people to connect in person?

Please share if your family has a plan that works and how you arrived at this plan?

Her: The Movie on Life, Love, Connection and Relationships

Has anyone seen this movie? I found it incredible and fascinating. The acting was superior but the idea behind the script was even more intriguing. This movie is basically about a man, Theodore, who “falls in love” with his Operating System named, Samantha. Although it never explicitly states that it takes place in the near future, it is implied throughout the film that this could happen next week or next month. The main character is contending with his feelings of loneliness, grief and loss over a failed relationship. He fears connecting with another person, discovering himself, expressing his desires and possibly being vulnerable to his emotions.

On the other hand, Theodore is able to connect with “Samantha” so deeply and quickly. What makes it so easy for “Samantha” to connect with Theodore and gain his trust? What is it about human interactions and emotions that can be so threatening? Are we falling into a trap as we rely more heavily on technology, news feeds, video games to be our “friends”, “mentors”, “sources” and “confidantes”?

Theodore’s job as a ghostwriter of personal letters, conveys the irony of how we have “simplified” our lives by doling out the responsibility of expressing our love, gratitude or any emotion to a ghostwriter. Is it that we will no longer have the time or that we are no longer capable or sadly that we no longer feel it is worth our time to be emotionally connected with each other. It is evident that it is still important for us to feel loved and connected but increasing difficult to be loved and connected in a relationship.

Who are you really connected with? Friends, Colleagues, Partners, Parents, Children, Relatives? What does connection mean for you and how do you work on your connection with others?

Can you envision a day when you could “fall in love” with an Operating System?

ADHD: Some questions and answers

ADHD

What is ADHD? How would I know if I have it or if someone I know has it?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) is a manual used by clinicians and researchers to diagnose and classify mental disorders. In the DSM5 the ADHD diagnosis has been revised to include adults. As research shows that although ADHD usually begins in childhood, it can very likely continue into adulthood for some people.

            ADHD is characterized by behaviors that exist across environments. For instance, someone will have the same performance issues at home, school, work or social settings. ADHD is divided into the two categories of inattention and hyperactivity and impulsivity. In order to receive a diagnosis of ADHD, children must have at least six symptoms from either (or both) the inattention group of criteria and the hyperactivity/impulsivity criteria, while older adolescents and adults (over age 17 years) must present with five. Examples of the symptoms in the inattention category are: often fails to give close attention to detail or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work or other activities, often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities, often loses things necessary for tasks or activities, or is often forgetful or easily distracted. Likewise, an example of symptoms in the hyperactivity/impulsivity category are: often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat, often talks excessively, is often “on the go” or often acts as if “driven by a motor”. The impulsivity can be seen in symptoms such as often has difficulty waiting turn or interrupts or intrudes on others.

It is essential for a childhood diagnosis that their symptoms were present before the age of 12 and have existed for over six months.

Ok, so now you know some of the signs and symptoms, what can you do if you think you have ADHD or someone you know has it?

 It has become more complicated in Quebec to receive a diagnosis of ADHD than simply going to see your family doctor. CADDRA or the Canadian ADHD Resource Alliance has detailed and interesting information on ADHD diagnosis and treatment.  A psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnosis ADHD using a variety of assessments that often includes questions for other family members and possibly teachers. Any assessment process should be professionally delivered, detailed and thorough. It will take several hours and culminate in a detailed report of assessment scores, qualitative analysis and suggested treatments.

ADHD can be treated with medication but is best treated with a combination of medication and psychotherapy and learning behavioral strategies. THese can also significantly improve an ADHD person’s abilities to function at home and outside home.

I’m sure there are many other questions about ADHD, symptoms, diagnosis, treatment and long-term strategies. Please send them to me and I will try to answer them.

http://www.attentiondeficit-info.com

http://www.attentiondeficit-info.com/pdf/adhd-psychoeducation.pdf

Hello. Let's begin with a little about Adolescence.

Hey Everyone:

This blog, All In The Family, will take a look at relationships, parenting, stress, mental health, the struggles and triumphs in our lives, how to understand and find professional help and more. It will address concerns relating to all areas of family and personal life. Your input and suggestions will direct the topics of the blog. So, please write in with your questions and concerns today. No question is too big or too small, right or wrong. GO for it!!

To begin this blog series, lets look at Adolescence. Teenagers. The good, the bad and everything in between, which is pretty much all of it. Adolescence is the developmental stage between childhood and adulthood, and generally defined in research as the ages between 12-24.Yes, research has found that the brain is not fully developed until 24 years old.  It is a very dynamic period of life for the adolescent (and everyone around them). What is “normal” adolescent behavior and what is not? This is the question most parents of teenagers want answered. Some parents feel that they know what is “normal” or appropriate based on their own experiences during adolescence. Guess what? Your experience is generally not a good baseline for “normal” today.

Why Not, you ask? Well, to begin with a lot has changed in our environment from your adolescent years. The Internet, cell phones, and social media to name a few.  Secondly, you are not your child and you are not the same as your parents. So the chances that your child will behave the same way as you did, is unrealistic.

            Many of us have raised our children in an overly protective parenting style. This can be referred to ask Parenting to Protect. We like to know where they are, whom they are with and what they are doing and when they will be back. No mysteries, no surprises.  We have tried to reduce our own stress levels keeping our kids close, well supervised and generally under our control.

Well, along comes adolescence and our children begin to want to make some of their own decisions. WHAT?? Questions such as: When can I stay home alone, walk through the neighborhood by myself, hang out at a friend’s house without a parent being home, go to the mall with friends, send shivers of uncertainty and doubt through parents.

Although we must have known that this day would come, some parents fear they have not prepared their adolescent for all the scenarios that may befall them when they are on their own. Instead of allowing these budding adults to “give it a try”, our fears take over and we pull in the reigns. Conflict arises.

How can our adolescents prepare for adulthood unless their parents are willing to start allowing them the room to experience, fail, learn and try again, while we as parents learn understanding, forgiveness and compassion. In the adolescent stage, children need their parents to switch from the Parenting to Protect style to the Parenting to Launch style of parenting. This does not mean the adolescent should have no rules or carte blanche but rather a little more freedom, trust and ability to try things in their own way. Each person is unique, each family has its own rules and boundaries. How can a family work together to ensure this parenting shift involves more respect, less conflict and more compromise?

Please share what has worked or not worked for your family? Your teen?

*** Jean